One does not begin to describe loss -
the words were never there.
It can be told from an army of saltine crackers
and music blasting static sorrows into
the thinnest air in town that
love left so quickly it didn't
wait for yeast to rise.
The Exodus was conducted first
and foremost to escape the stench
of a thousand first-born graves.
By rights, seventy days should be allotted
for I to lay in rags and spices in the
tomb of these four plaster walls.
Instead, I stumble through a city where
it's never rained, undead but for cruel sentiments sake,
where caretakers allowed by heart to rot
in the casket of my ribcage.
Yeast festers in the marrow of my bones,
for, loveless sinner, I, tasted never the
bread of life.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was really nice. Very good visual image the only thing I would work on is parting your lines. It looks much better when your lines are separated fromeach other and reads more like a poem. Otherwise, great job on description, I got the whole affect of this poem.
Keep it up!
-Rieda
Dvorak has been embarrassingly performed in a nearly empty high school auditorium! I can now say more about this poem.
The middle stanza is too long. I suggest dividing it up. Perhaps the way you divide it will show how things connect, which phrases should be emphasized, and at the very least make it easier to read.
This was awkwardly phrased, namely in "for, loveless sinner, I, tasted never..." Suggest, to you, I, that to clean up.
Lastly, I'd like this to be more tangible. I'd like a situation, a place, an object, something believable and easy to hold on to throughout the poem. It's very difficult to take everything in unless you have something to return to.
Great work!
Colleen
It really conveyed the empty feeling of loss while at the same time being totally full of rick detail like chocolate melting on your tongue. Kodos.
Hmm, I like this bread thing you've got going on, although the "bread of life" line was a little trite. Yeast, saltine crackers, Exodus, references to things being "thin".
As with other poems of yours, this is a little too difficult to understand, mostly in the large middle stanza. Each sentence is a great image on its own, and each makes sense on its own, but how do they connect to each other? How does each little word contribute to your poem as a whole? What does it have to do with the "loss" mentioned in the first stanza? What is the significance of being "undead"?
Here's an example of the difficult-to-understand complex parts. This is sort of like a metaphor upon metaphor upon metaphor.
Grr, I'd say more but I have to go play in this stupid concert. I shall return.
Colleen